my lola has someone she's been friends with since she was in the sixth grade. my lola is 84 years old. just do the math. they've known each other for about 62 years, more or less. lola jenny hasn't always had the best life. i think she was abused by her husband for the longest time. of course, in that time, we didn't have legal separation or divorce. and being a career-minded woman was a long way off. so she stayed with him and raised 7 or 9 kids, i forget the number. she's 87 now and only one daughter stuck around. but even she doesn't want to take her mother in. so she stays with my lola and i because she's had a stroke which really paralyzed her and it's taken a while for her to work up the strength to get better.

it's been years but we finally thought she was strong enough.

yesterday, she had a heart attack. now, she's in a coma. the doctors don't know what else they can do. she's too frail to have operations or tests.

so i guess, we're just waiting. i don't want to think about what we're waiting for. to pass away or to live? even the latter doesn't seem like a good option. she might come out of this even more fragile than before.

tonight was the first time i was able to visit her in the icu. the first time i could get myself out my selfishness and my selfish life and the things that seemed so important last week. i can't muster up the relevance now compared to this.

it broke my heart.

being with her and trying to talk to her was hard. i don't know if she could hear me. maybe, she could. but when i talked to her, she squeezed my hand. and she looked like she wanted to open her eyes and speak but she couldn't.

i just want her to be comfortable. that's the most and the best i can hope for.

i hope she gets better.
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Lola Jenny passed away on Dec. 12, 2008 at quarter to 1 p.m.